y B.H. Bates
This is an official notice to all people of native heritage:
CHRISTMAS WILL BE CANCELLED, UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE!
Because of the ongoing land disputes, self-government issues and also because of the ever growing trend among indigenous people to believe in the so-called ‘Great Spirit ‘ (and not ‘our’ God) – the ruling government has declared that the holiday of Christmas will be disallowed to the aforementioned people(s).
In view of the hostilities, we (the government) have caused, between native and non-native fisherman; no longer will natives be allowed to eat turkeys on the twenty-fifth day of December, nor enjoy candied yams, stuffing, mashed potatoes (with or without gravy) or any other associated goodies. Example: Christmas cake.
Furthermore: Because of most natives refusing to knuckle-under to the unrealistic demands made by our beloved lawyers, natives are hereby warned not to listen to Bing Crosby’s version of White Christmas! Other restricted music includes Oh, Come all ye Faithful, The First Noel, Hark the Herald Angels Sing and Joy to the World. Any aboriginal (Injun) caught with said restricted materials, will be held in contempt.
Some allowances will be tolerated. Examples: A Child is Born, Feliz Navidad and of course Little Drummer Boy.
Re: Christmas Trees
Again because of some native bands ‘claiming’ rights to the use of forest lands or expecting a percentage of the outrageously huge profits, we (the same government) find it necessary to prohibit First Nations (Red-skins) people the use of a decorated evergreen tree.
Subsection (A) Re: Uses of Christmas Trees/ decorating
We (whitey) respect the Indian’s use of feathers, animal hides and bark as decoration, used during ceremonial circumstances.
Subsequently, we, as of today, forbid people who live on ‘our’ reservations the use of Whiteman’s ‘tacky silver tinsel, flamboyant golden garlands and garishly coloured ornaments.’
Any native caught with such decorations will receive the punishment of ‘ostracization’ by the non-native public. The only exemption to this rule will be the: tacky, flamboyant and garish ‘gay’ natives.
Another thing we are determined to eradicate is all this: “Joy, love and peace among man shit!” As of the publication date of this newspaper, we here at www.GreednPower.ca.gov will consider any show of affection or kindness an act of treason – punishable by loathing, hatred and ignorance!
An official government letter has already been sent to Santa Claus A.k.a.: Chris Kringle. A.k.a.: Saint Nicholas. A.k.a.: the Jolly Man in red. In said letter we expressed our belief that the North American native has been very naughty this year and that the fathers of confederation would prefer that the natives endure even more poverty, disease and hunger. And Mr. Claus was also instructed not to deliver any goodies to any reservations or we’d bust every bone in his head and tax his fat ass into the next millennium!
Concerning the tradition of giving gifts
We find it necessary to make outlaws out of any native(s) who intends to exchange loving, thoughtful or heart felt gifts. We (the Lords and Masters), out of the kindness of our hearts, gave natives – small, desolate, barren reservation lands in exchange for the rest of the country! And how do you repay us? Now, after all these years, you want us to renegotiate all of those treaties we (the old boys club) broke! How dare you!
Subsection: ‘Gift giving’
The decorating/wrapping of any ‘gift’ will also be deemed an offence. This includes any art work done on any surface, such as paper, canvases or wooden masks. In fact any art work done by natives must be given or sold at a ridiculously low prices, to greedy shop owners, for resale at a ridiculously high price.
Speaking of ‘cost,’ we here at your (our) government offices have determined that out of the FIVE BILLION DOLLARS set aside every year, for Indian affairs – for the life of us, we just can’t figure out how we can possibly give you the ‘average’ Indian “less than nothing, zero, zip, nada!”
I mean it! We here at Indian Affairs have lost sleep trying to think of even more ways to spend more of the moneys intended to ‘help’ the poor, poverty-stricken Indian. We even tried to hire more staff, to hire even more staff, to fill all of the totally useless and redundant positions in the massive machine of government bureaucracy. But sadly, we can’t find another way to screw you over!
So we decided to just ‘not’ – wish you a Merry Christmas! Then we remembered if we didn’t send out Christmas cards we’d save Indian affairs thousands upon thousands of dollars … so Merry Friggin’ Christmas!