Bee in the Bonnet: How to Beat a Woman

By B.H. Bates

Violence against women has been with us dating back to Org, the first caveman who bonked his betrothed up-side the head and dragged her back to his cave. Ahhh – what a way to show your love!

When ever I see men trying to control women through intimidation or just plan old brute force, it makes me wonder – just how far have we come as human beings?

Take for instance in some male-dominated cultures, led by religious fanatics, who smother half of their intellectual potential under a stupid bed sheet – and some, if not most, would say: the smarter half, too.

Females, in general, are the care givers, the nurturers, the bonding force that holds the family unit together. Yet, as gentle as a mother can be they can be equally just as ferocious, when provoked. If you need proof of this, just ask any male grizzly bear with claw marks across his face.

When a female growls – it’s a warning! So, unless you want your friends asking you: “Where did you get those claw marks?” I suggest to men everywhere: Stop what you’re doing immediately, be very still and quiet or run! What ever you do – in the name of the Great Spirit, don’t hit! Set an example to the next generation, prove that you’re a civilized Injun and not a savage neanderthal.

And like the Great Spirit, who made every snowflake different, so to … not all women are alike. Some ladies are as kind and as gentle as the elegant deer, while others are Grizzlies who demand respect!

But, keep in mind, don’t rush to judge the grizzlies, until you first look at the bear she lives with. Maybe there’s a reason why she growls so much. It could well be that life has hurt her, been unfair; it may have even beaten her down.

It also stands true, that not all men are the same, from the type who are timid as the mouse, to the ones who are as tricky as the coyote.

Native culture has been tied to nature for millenniums. We’ve looked to Mother nature for our lessons on how to live. Natives took examples from our animal friends and incorporated them into our lives.

Unfortunately, we’ve strayed from our ancestral teachings – I mean it, really, when was the last time you saw a young cougar spend his last beaver pelt on drugs? Did you ever hear of an adult bird sleeping in and losing his job? Can you ever recall some rutting Buck getting drunk and slapping the brown pellets out of his deer wife?

I recall my dad smacking my dear Mom, and to this very day it breaks my heart to hear a women sob. Violence against women should not be tolerated in Native society or any other, for that matter. There are other ways to express yourself without raising your hand or in the case of the Native – ‘Stands With Fist!’

So, if I may, I’d like to ask all of you lovely, kind and understanding
women out there to stop reading at this point, as I have to let the male readers know: HOW TO BEAT A WOMAN!

Instructions on how to beat a woman
Hello, mighty Braves, here are a few tricks that will help you overcome the opposite sex … and still get some!

One sure way to dupe a gal into doing what you want, is to ask her ‘not’ to do something (Hello, lady readers!). Another maneuver I’ve used with constant success is: “Killing with kindness.” If you want to go out with the boys: Be under foot for a few days, every time she turns around – be there, calling her Pooky Wooky, kissing her, hugging her, pawing at her. Before you know it she’ll be saying to you: “I need some alone time. Why don’t you go out, before I kill you?”

Again, ‘hello’ to the curvaceous and curious. And that, my male friends is another tool (curiosity) at our disposal. Let’s say you want your better half to pay more attention to you: Try pretending that you have a secret, pretend you did something, act aloof … and you can take my word for it, soon she’ll be on you, like stink on road kill!

And my most devious deception to get peace and quiet, that they’ll never expect: Honesty!

Now here’s the funny part – these few suggestions that I’ve made. They work equally as well on both sexes. We’re more alike than we care to admit: we all need to be cared for, listened to and, of course, loved. The short of it: “We need one another!”

If you’re wise enough, to be the first one to initiate a smile and make the other person feel at ease – you’ve beaten ‘violence’ to the punch!