By B.H. Bates
Ask any of the friends I grew up with, concerning, me, marriage and a white picket fence – and they’ll all say the same thing: “Him? Never!” Well, never say never!
After twenty-two years of living in blissful sin, my lady love and I headed to Las Vegas, to tie the knot, seal the deal and do the deed!
On the eve of the wedding, I laid in bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking of what marriage really meant. Phrases like these, started to pop up in my head: institution of marriage, committed for life and the ‘biggie’ – “Until death do you part!” They sounded a lot like something a judge might say to a man, who’s about to face twenty-five to life!
Needless to say, my feet became quite itchy and a shiver ran down my spine. I think I may now know how a man on death row might feel. A few months ago it was all fun and games: “Oh, I know! Let’s fly away to Las Vegas and get married by an Elvis impersonator!”
But as I lay on that bed in Vegas, which, by the way, is the gambling capital of the World, I couldn’t sleep, so I had plenty of time to let my mind run wild.
My native forefathers and theirs before them never stood before a man in black, as he read words like: obey, eternal and the ‘biggie – fidelity!
Our ancestors took their cues from nature.
Some looked to the majestic gander, who picks the goose he’d goose for life. While others thought that the rutting Buck, with his many, many does was more to their liking. And still others observed two dogs (males) banging uglies, and they thought to themselves: “Hmm, that’s interesting.”
And not one of those Bros, stood before a preacher man and said: “Me do’um!”
All they needed was love in their hearts and an erect tepee and they were good to go. No piece of paper, no man of the cloth, be it loin or other wise. And definitely no prenuptial agreements to argue over, it was more like: “Me kill’um, you gut’um, we eat’um!” Ahhh … life was so much more simple, back in the days of bow-n-arrow.
Back then things were a lot cheaper too. For instance there was no such thing as a gas-guzzling limo, all they had was a water guzzling horse.
There was no need for an expensive dress, when a beaver pelt was the only thing a groom wanted to see. And the only things that sparkled were the stars in the sky and the twinkle in their eyes.
Another thing that popped into my head was, the ‘D’ word. After we told some people of our impending nuptials, one unpleasant little story a lot of these nay-sayers seemed to regurgitate was: “I knew of these folks who lived together for years and years, and as soon as they got married, they split the sheets (divorced).”
A funny thing about these tales of woe – they never seemed to have any names for that poor couple, either that or they all knew the same unlucky duo. My theory is: it’s just an urban legend, used to frighten happy couples. It’s like when you tell a kid: “Don’t play with that – you’ll grow hair on your palms!” If these stories were true, everyone on the planet would be divorced and very, very hairy.
How did our forefathers handle divorce? Did they run out and hire the best medicine-man money could buy? Did they split all their possessions right down the middle? Half a horse is a dead horse. And half a tepee is just a pee. My guess is, divorce must be some half-witted European invention.
Who else, other than a half-wit, would work half of their lives
accumulating beautiful things, just to lose half of those prized possessions in a messy divorce, then marry a woman half their age, only to die half way through middle age?
As I see it: marriage is something that’s not to be taken lightly. If the
both of you decide to take that leap of love and unite under the sanctified institution of marriage – you should think of it as a life long commitment.
And if you’re dumb enough to get married on a ‘whim’ – you should really be institutionalized and committed, until your IQ is higher than the age on your driver’s licence!
But I don’t want to scare off anyone who’s thinking of making their
relationship permanent. I want you to know, I’m truly a lucky man – I’ve found the love of my life and I can honestly say, I’m a happily married man… that’s what my wife says!