By Bernie Bates

The line between church and state is becoming as fine as a frog’s hair. For you city folk, who aren’t up on your folksy jargon: Have you ever seen the hair on a frog’s back? Well, it’s so fine you can’t even see it.

Now, as a humorist and an all round fun guy, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the public is about to be inundated with promises of good intentions. Your TV will light up with glowing recommendations from people you’ve never met before. They’ll be telling you of the great things that their particular political party has done on your behalf, “Let the record show that we (place name here) did this and we did that.” Ah, bullshit! The one thing you’ll never hear from them is the truth and all of the crap they got away with.

Every political party has kissed us with forked tongues, fondled our tax dollars, and then bent us over the pork barrel without even bothering to call us the next day. Do you feel like a fool every time you vote? It’s no wonder. We’re “cast-a-vote” sluts; we let them seduce us with pretty words and impossible dreams of wealth and a marriage of ideals. And all we have to do is give away our virtuous vote. Wow, I feel like rolling over and going to sleep!

There are thousands of candidates to vote for in civic, provincial and federal elections. And over the decades I’m sure that there have been over a million liars but not one completely honest person has ever ran and won. What are the friggin’ odds? You can cast your vote for the world’s most handsome man and presto: pretty boy Brad wins. Now, why in the hell can’t we get those results in our political elections?

We’re not alone when it comes to handing over the reins of power to the truthfully challenged. Just look at our neighbors to the south. The all mighty United States of America has just suffered through eight years of buffoonery. And Canada, being tied at the hip to our big economic brother, has had to endure the pitfalls of having Daffy Duck at the wheel. And who do you think got “Runs With Scissors” elected as Chief and commander? Here’s a hint: God bless America!

In the American constitution it’s spelled out that there must be a division of church and state, yet that’s not really the case. Both Americans and Canadians scoff at countries like Iran for having religious rulers, yet time and time again some TV divinity pulls the political strings. I’d love to say “What a joke!” but trust me, it’s nothing to laugh at when you realize that someone who believes in Armageddon has access to atomic weapons.

I’d like to draw a scenario for you. What happens if God gets mad at another god? The chances of some fanatic getting his or her hands on a nuclear bomb are slim to none, right? Well, ask yourself this: What if someone like good ol’ George W. had one less brick in his basket, one less rung on his mental ladder, or maybe had one too many bible lessons? You wouldn’t have time to bend over and kiss you holy ass good-bye.

Now, for the lighter side: What has half a mind, half of a chance of screwing up, and one whole vote? Canadian voters usually know more about American politicos than they do about their own incumbent incompetents. Who was our last great leader? It’s a trick question. Who ran the country before the last election and name the scandal that they perpetrated? What ever happened to the people behind that scandal? Did they go to jail or did voters just forget about them and let the whole thing get swept under a political rug?

Maybe we should let the church run the country. But whose God should be in charge: Buddhist, Catholic, Islam or Sikh? I can just imagine the TV commercials: “Vote for us or go to hell.” “We promise eternal life for your vote.” Or my favorite, “Virgins for votes!”

It’s said that ultimate power ultimately corrupts, and it’s true. We give power to a mortal and soon after that they start to think that they’re god of Canada.


Dear reader:

Please feel free to contact B. H. Bates at