By Bernie Bates
Have you ever had one of those songs in your head that you find yourself happily humming all day long? Well, that type of happiness is happening to me more often than not, these days. I have a song in my heart, silver in my hair and the gold that I hold is the love of a good women. Hmmmm!
On the twenty second day of September at five o’clock sharp, my Pooposie and I well celebrate our twenty-fifth anniversary of screaming, fighting, drinking, swearing, tears, heartache, hate and love. To all of those young couples out there, in newspaper-land, who may be planning your nuptials – I have some advice for you. There is a thin line between love and hate. Right now your relationship is all cuddling, cooing and courting. But, once you stop holding hands and familiarity sets in, that’s when you really start to pay your ‘union dues.’
Routine, is the kill-joy of a lot of relationships. It’s like rust on the bottom of a boat, if you don’t get rid of it, you’re doomed to sink. Don’t have sex only on Wednesdays and stop spending all day Sunday staring at sports. Try coming home with flowers, go for a romantic drive, cook a favorite food, maybe an unexpected kiss or start holding hands again.
Before you tie the knot, make sure you share some of the same interests, like food, music even your sense of humor – are you the slip on a banana peel type or are you punny? It’s the little things that get to a person after awhile: the cute way they laugh at silly little thing. After a few years, it ain’t so cute anymore – ya just want to smack them with a rolled up newspaper. Not that I’m promoting violence in any way shape or form, but, simply thinking about it can be a safe and therapeutic outlet.
My sweet wife, Janet, always gives me the larger slice of pie. She thinks of me before herself and therein lies the secret to a good marriage. A person has to be selfless, giving and considerate, to a fault. And it’s a two way street – if one is a giver and the other is a taker – your boat is leaking.
This paragraph is directed at just the men. Pretend like your playing a game of high stakes poker. Take the time to listen to the tone of your wife’s voice, watch for her body language and most importantly, think before you bet … I mean, speak. You’ll learn over the years when you can get away with a bluff, when to hold’um or when to fold’um. And if you get really good at it, you just may win a big argument … I mean, an exchange of ideas.
This part is directed just at the ladies. Pretend your trying to teach an ape to play the piano. Trust me or better yet ask my wife, it ain’t goin’a happen over night. This will help you ladies understand why we men are so hard to civilize – there’s an actual medical condition where men slowly begin to lose the ability to hear the pitch of their wife’s voice. To this day I still do crap that ticks my wife off, but, she’s patient and one day I hope to play chop sticks for her.
As in all combat sports where must be rules of engagement. Then you have that big fight – and you will – you must try to keep your cool. You may say things in the heat of the moment, that you can never take back. Things that you instantly regret saying and in the end, you can only hope for your spouse’s forgiveness. What ever you do never bring up past lovers, what might have been or use emotional blackmail.
Over the years my lady love and I have had some nuclear sized blow-ups, but, we’ve always worked things out. Unfortunately, there have been times when Poopsie has simply become impossible to reason with and I’ve had no chose but to become physical. First, I’ll warn her, “I’m going to spank you!” The only problem is, once I get her pants down, I forget what we were fighting about.
Peace, love and joy – from the corner of bliss and happiness.
Dear reader: Please feel free to contact, B. H. Bates at: firstname.lastname@example.org