HUMOUR

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ART
Jane Poitras: Media is the Message

Morrisseau Exhibit at National Gallery

Reuse, Recycle, Renew

BEE IN THE BONNET
Honest Injun
Sex'um Scandal

COMMUNITY
Natives Compete for Métis Fire Fighter Position

CRIME
Highway of Tears Symposium Sparked by Teen Murder

ENVIRONMENT
Ontario Natives Recruit Environmental Lobbyists

MUSIC
Throat Singer Mixes Punk, Folk and Poetry

MODERN TREATIES
BC Metis Continue Push for Harvest Rights

NEWS BRIEFS
Chief outraged by near jailhouse birth

Residential school students' abuse lawsuit given green light

Court battles incur "tidal wave" of costs

Kenora area on priority list for safe drinking water

Six Nations protestors remain after deadline

Bee in the Bonnet: Sex'um Scandal
By B.H. Bates

While doing a 'man on the street' type interview, the question was: "What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word - Native?"

And one response really tickled me; it was quite funny, very surprising, and proof that ancient native legends have survived to this very day. The humorous response came from a middle-aged Caucasian lady, when she leaned in and whispered: "I heard that natives are animals in the sack!"

And it's true, too. Natives are among the best lovers in the World. The men are voracious and as well endowed as the mighty bull moose. And the women are passionate, and when aroused, can be as loud as a pack of wolves wailing at a full moon. There! I've now done my part to propagate the legend of our sexual prowess.

And who knows, maybe this is how the French got their reputation as being the world's best lovers. Maybe they too started their own 'urban legends.' I mean, if you're not good at one thing, maybe you'd be good at something else. If you realize you're not much of a combatant, why not pull your pants down and proclaim to the world: "Mais oui! I'm a lover, not a fighter."

Legends have a funny way of getting started - someone ... somewhere ... might hear something, then repeat something totally different. Take the infamous Billy the kid. The truth is, before his arrest, he was nothing more than a dusty ranch hand, who shot a few cowpokes during a Texas range war. But, that kind of story doesn't sell too many dime store novels.

I'll bet our reputation as being 'animals in the sack,' got started back in the days of bow and arrow, too. Those first pioneers who dared to make the dangerous trip out West, were understandably scared of the unknown. So it's no wonder they believed those risque stories: of how those big, wild, Injun braves would drag white women into their tepees and do unimaginable, unspeakable things to them ... Oh, my!
And yet, they came ...

Even their own military reinforced our reputations as being 'sexual beasts.' It was reported that the last words spoken by General Custer, were: "We're screwed!

And yet, they continued to come ... Hmm?

Let's jump ahead a few generations, to around the time of the great gold rush. It wasn't uncommon for a hairy European prospector to stake claim to a native girl. And it wasn't only the 49-er's who took a shine to our raven haired beauties; cowpokes, loggers, sailors and the most notorious of them all, the Hudson's bay beaver hunters.

And they loved those naughty nympho natives so much, that they started their own 'race' and even created an exclusive club, called the Metis. They're so proud of their native roots, that they've become very vocal about it: "We'll fight for our right to be status and white!"

Which begs the question: "How much cream can you put into your coffee, before it becomes 'coffee flavored milk?' We natives have been playing Cowboys and Indians for so long now, it's getting harder and harder to tell the difference between the Cowpokes and the Pokees! Has the native's own renowned sex drive, driven the native gene pool over the cliff? Has our tepee creepin' finally caught up with us? I personally know of a few native ladies, who are adamant about 'keeping it in the family,' and I don't mean incest. They're almost militant in their beliefs, when it comes to natives marrying natives.

I heard ... from someone ... somewhere ... that they'll shoot a white women (with dirty looks), for even smiling at an eligible native man. Of course I'm only dramatizing a grain of truth, but you can see how urban legends get started. If this lie gets told over and over again, it won't be very long before it becomes a 'true story.' And soon little white girls, everywhere, will start to whisper: "I heard they're animals in the sack, but be careful, their women will ... !"

Now I'm not one to point fingers or say things like: "Do as I say, not as I do." I'll be the first to stand and take a stand - I married a white woman! The truth is, I didn't stand a chance, she trapped me. She bewildered me with kindness, she used her white, magic, smile and cast a spell upon me!

If I remember correctly ... with a devilish grin on her face, she looked deeply into my eyes and said something like: "Is it true you guys are animals in the sack!"

Dear reader,
Iif you have a bee in your bonnet about Bee in the Bonnet column, or suggestions for future articles please feel free to contact B. H. Bates at: beeinthebonnet@shaw.ca