HUMOUR
COVER
A
Look Back at 2004
BIOGRAPHY
Simon
Baker Plays Native
BUSINESS
Twassassen
Signs $47 Million Deal with Vancouver Port Authority
Deh Cho Negotiate Framework Agreement for Pipeline Panel
COMMUNITY
Trust Fund Established for Shooting Victims
CULTURE
Mohawk
Woman Invites Unity Riders From South Dakota
Victory
Through Honour
Métis
Fighting over Implementation of Right To Harvest
HUMOUR
Bee
in the Bonnet: Notice:
Government Cancels Christmas
Bee
in the Bonnet: So, What's New Year With You?
TRADITION
Recipes
for the Holidays
Bee in the
Bonnet
Notice: Government Cancels Christmas
By B.H. Bates
This
is an official notice to all people of native heritage:
CHRISTMAS WILL BE CANCELLED, UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE!
Because of the ongoing land disputes, self-government issues and also
because of the ever growing trend among indigenous people to believe in
the so-called 'Great Spirit ' (and not ‘our’ God) - the ruling
government has declared that the holiday of Christmas will be disallowed
to the aforementioned people(s).
In view of the hostilities, we (the government) have caused, between native
and non-native fisherman; no longer will natives be allowed to eat turkeys
on the twenty-fifth day of December, nor enjoy candied yams, stuffing,
mashed potatoes (with or without gravy) or any other associated goodies.
Example: Christmas cake.
Furthermore: Because of most natives refusing to knuckle-under to the
unrealistic demands made by our beloved lawyers, natives are hereby warned
not to listen to Bing Crosby’s version of White Christmas! Other
restricted music includes Oh, Come all ye Faithful, The First Noel, Hark
the Herald Angels Sing and Joy to the World. Any aboriginal (Injun) caught
with said restricted materials, will be held in contempt.
Some allowances will be tolerated. Examples: A Child is Born, Feliz Navidad
and of course Little Drummer Boy.
Re: Christmas Trees
Again because of some native bands ‘claiming’ rights to the
use of forest lands or expecting a percentage of the outrageously huge
profits, we (the same government) find it necessary to prohibit First
Nations (Red-skins) people the use of a decorated evergreen tree.
Subsection (A) Re: Uses of Christmas Trees/ decorating
We (whitey) respect the Indian’s use of feathers, animal hides and
bark as decoration, used during ceremonial circumstances.
Subsequently, we, as of today, forbid people who live on ‘our’
reservations the use of Whiteman’s ‘tacky silver tinsel, flamboyant
golden garlands and garishly coloured ornaments.’
Any native caught with such decorations will receive the punishment of
‘ostracization’ by the non-native public. The only exemption
to this rule will be the: tacky, flamboyant and garish ‘gay’
natives.
Another thing we are determined to eradicate is all this: “Joy, love
and peace among man shit!” As of the publication date of this newspaper,
we here at www.GreednPower.ca.gov will consider any show of affection
or kindness an act of treason - punishable by loathing, hatred and ignorance!
An official government letter has already been sent to Santa Claus A.k.a.:
Chris Kringle. A.k.a.: Saint Nicholas. A.k.a.: the Jolly Man in red. In
said letter we expressed our belief that the North American native has
been very naughty this year and that the fathers of confederation would
prefer that the natives endure even more poverty, disease and hunger.
And Mr. Claus was also instructed not to deliver any goodies to any reservations
or we’d bust every bone in his head and tax his fat ass into the
next millennium!
Concerning the tradition of giving gifts
We find it necessary to make outlaws out of any native(s) who intends
to exchange loving, thoughtful or heart felt gifts. We (the Lords and
Masters), out of the kindness of our hearts, gave natives - small, desolate,
barren reservation lands in exchange for the rest of the country! And
how do you repay us? Now, after all these years, you want us to renegotiate
all of those treaties we (the old boys club) broke! How dare you!
Subsection: ‘Gift giving’
The decorating/wrapping of any ‘gift’ will also be deemed an
offence. This includes any art work done on any surface, such as paper,
canvases or wooden masks. In fact any art work done by natives must be
given or sold at a ridiculously low prices, to greedy shop owners, for
resale at a ridiculously high price.
Speaking of ‘cost,’ we here at your (our) government offices
have determined that out of the FIVE BILLION DOLLARS set aside every year,
for Indian affairs - for the life of us, we just can’t figure out
how we can possibly give you the ‘average’ Indian “less
than nothing, zero, zip, nada!”
I mean it! We here at Indian Affairs have lost sleep trying to think of
even more ways to spend more of the moneys intended to ‘help’
the poor, poverty-stricken Indian. We even tried to hire more staff, to
hire even more staff, to fill all of the totally useless and redundant
positions in the massive machine of government bureaucracy. But sadly,
we can’t find another way to screw you over!
So we decided to just 'not’ - wish you a Merry Christmas! Then we
remembered if we didn’t send out Christmas cards we’d save Indian
affairs thousands upon thousands of dollars ... so Merry Friggin’
Christmas!