By Bernie Bates
Whistling while I work my mind begins to wonder. I find myself digging into my box of old memories. As far back as I can remember there have been chores to do. “Take out the garbage, clean this room, pick that up, do this, do that”, and that was just this morning.
Personally I think my parents had children just so they wouldn’t have to do all the crappy little things around the house. Furthermore I think parents tell our wives the secret to getting free labor. Now I’m Poopsie’s go-to-guy. Not that she doesn’t pull her weight around the house … hmm. Maybe I should reword that. It’s not like she doesn’t push her weight … hmm. What I mean to say is, “I’m very happy and I love my wife very, very much!”
Admittedly without chores life would get pretty damned messy. But what the hell, I say we give it a try for a week or two just to see how we like it. I’m only joking of course. We all need to do our part or in no time at all we’d be up to our puckers in garbage. I’m not just talking about our own back yards either. I’m talking globally as well. We need to clean up our act or good old Mother Nature will rid herself of us parasites quicker than you can say apocalyptic three times really fast (try it).
Now I’m not saying this just because I’m a person of Native heritage, but we brown brothers knew the ‘what’s what’ about living within the circle of life. To refresh your memories the circle means that everything on this planet is connected. From the incredibly small to the largest of creatures. We’re all meant to live in harmony with one another. Can you say symbiotic while you rub your tummy and pat your head?
I’m not sure what the previous renters did, but I’m assuming the dinosaurs must have done something to piss off Mother Nature. It could’ve been all the dino-poop they left laying around. Imagine all of the methane that crap must have created. Which could have resulted in a thinner atmosphere. Then alone comes an asteroid and ‘Ka-pow’, it blows the Flintstones into extinction. I hope this scenario makes you think twice about crapping in your own backyard. Who knows, we could be the next ones to get evicted. Please excuse my rant. It’s just that whenever I see common sense taking a backseat to stupidity it makes me spontaneously combust. I’m sure we’ve all seen a house in the neighborhood with a messy yard. You just know that the people who live there are as dumb as the dirt they live in. But enough pointing at the stupid elephant in the room – I really must be getting back to my chores.
There never seems to be an end in sight to all of the chores around the house. Spring weather brings out the gardener in my wife. Which translates into me digging holes in the dirt and then filling them back in again. Summer used to mean beaches, parties and kissing under the stars. Now it means watering, mowing and kissing my free time goodbye. Throughout every season my honey-pie has a ‘honey-do’ list that just never seems to end.
Any number of things can trigger chores. From a change in the weather to a glass of spilt milk. First the milk must be wiped up, then the floor and before you can say dish-pan-hands I’m up to my elbow-grease in chores.
Please don’t get me wrong, I love having people come over for a visit. But I wish they’d just show up and say: “Oh, we were just passing by blah, blah, blah.” That way I wouldn’t have to do the ‘ing’ list. Vacuuming, dusting, spraying, washing and wishing that they had just showed up on the door step.
I’m sure there are still some Neanderthals out there who think that cave cleaning is woman’s work. And teenagers who assume that their dirty underwear magically disappears from the bedroom floor then reappears clean and folded. These people must live in a wonderful World. I can only imagine having my very own slave or an underwear fairy to pick up after me. But I live in place called Reality, and it’s under communist rule. And the rule is: All for one and one for all.
Dear reader: Please feel free to contact, B. H. Bates at: