For those of us who are not one of the one percent – Christmas can be a budget stretching, nerve racking stress fest.
Sorry for the reminder, but its better coming from a jokester like me than your spouse, your banker or even worse your in-laws.
Are you looking at a Ho, Ho, Ho season with not enough dough, dough, dough? Then my friend, you’d better get cracking, because the Chris Cringle cash crunch is coming down a chimney near you.
Just like Santa, you too, should make a list and check it twice. Think of your interactions with people over the past year. Who has been naughty to you, who has been nice and who deserves a lump of coal to fall on their head.
Start your list with the naughty, people who judge thee, the greedy and ending with something really naughty for the one you’re with.
At this time of year a lot of us wish upon a Christmas star in the hopes that the lotto-fairy would sprinkle a little lucky dust on us. But just like my childhood Christmas wish for a 3 speed, banana seat bike with the Easy Rider handlebars – it ain’t happening – then again, this is the season of hope.
We all know who the villains are in our lives – maybe it’s a so called friend, a mean co-worker or a rocky relationship with a relative. Just remember that in the spirit of the season and peace on Earth, we may have to smile, and at the very least give them a card. No one has to know that you secretly wish it contained a one-way ticket to Kissitstan.
If you’re going to have a house full of guests for the festive feast, get ready for hours of cooking, a huge mess and a huge bill with all the trimmings.
Christmas turkeys cost the same, no matter if you’re Scrooge McDuck or just a poor cluck like me. Let’s not forget the sweet potatoes, cranberries and pie. Then there are the liquid beverages from dad’s Old Granddad bourbon to junior’s juice boxes.
It all adds up, and if you happen to have a spare room, a comfy-couch or even a summer-floaty, you’ll be also cooking a big family breakfast.
Don’t forget you’ll have to gas up the tank and take them around town, show them the sights and feed those mooches lunch too.
The only thing that would makes things worse is if they had a terrible two year old brat, a big drooling dog and a bad habit of waking up a 5 am to watch TV.
The next test of your ho, ho, ho spirit is to organize everyone’s every move and movement right down to buying extra toilet paper.
As time ticks down to the big day, and every bow is neatly in its place – you’d think you could finally take a rest from your stress – you’d be wrong.
Answer me this why do people wake up so damned early on Christmas morning?
Well it’s not over yet, after the ribbons and bows get cleaned up, dinner gets started. Pots and pans begin to rattle, the bird gets stuffed and everyone is seated and ready to drudge up old family business.
After all the shopping, wrapping and decorating – the whole thing is over before you know it – and everyone is thinking the same thing: is that it?
Please feel free to Email Bernie Bates at: firstname.lastname@example.org