Don’t you just hate it when you think of something you would’ve, could’ve or should’ve said to some rude dude or dudett?

But, alas the moment has slipped away never ever to return again. Now you sit and stew about not being quicker on the trigger – being a smart-ass isn’t as easy as you may think.

If you’re going to shoot from the lip be wary of bombing. If you mouth off and miss your target audience, you run the risk of becoming ostracized, scorned or at the very least be mocked as a fool. When verbally sparring with a nitwit, remember that humor is a double edged sword. The other disaster you must avoid is cutting someone to the bone with your sharp tongue.

Words hurt.

Even an innuendo, if jabbed into the ribs a little too hard, can really smart. So if you like to jest with rest of your gang, think before your mouth goes bang. But don’t wait too long. Anything longer than the duration of a heartbeat may as well be an eternity – timing is everything in comedy.   

A real wise-ass will know what flies and what dies in a room full of crude dudes or white haired prudes. With the latter it’s like walking the high-wire; one wrong slip and you’re dead.

This brings us to sex. Both men and women love to screw around with one another, but women have their limits when it comes to what’s funny, what’s punny and what’s just plain ugly. Just like one man’s treasure is some woman’s trash. This is what’s known as walking on the razor’s edge.    

Now that we’ve covered timing, bombing and dancing with danger; the next lesson is lilt of voice and a cocky smile. There are those who couldn’t tell a joke if they read it from a tell-a-prompter. For ha, ha to work you have to play the part. For instance if you’re telling a tall tale about a squirrel – you have to act like a nut.

Delivery is as important as the witty words. Some people have a wry, mild sense of humor while others perform like a wild child with flailing arms and a voice like a morning alarm.     

Just like every trade has its tools, so does a jester. As an example, think of words as fire and just like fire words can burn. This is where a good vocabulary can make you a smarty pants star.

Other tools are exaggerating of the truth or even little white lies. If you can sell it and they buy it hook line and sinker – you too can be a little stinker.

A sense of humor is something most people look for in a mate or a date. We use humor as a coping mechanism or as a sarcasm shield or even a prelude to romance. If you can make someone smile; you can change their mind, mood and even turn them from foe to friend.

It takes years to hone humor to a sharp point. Being the witty life of the party doesn’t happen overnight. It takes knowledge, timing and a willingness to walk blindfolded up to the edge of an abyss.

My final bit of wit-wisdom advice is, knowing when to quit the wit. It may sound funny and sexy, but the last thing you want to do is pull a so called boner.    



Please feel free to Email Bernie Bates at: beeinthebonnet@shaw.ca